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‘’ In a cold evening of March, in this young year 2018, I find myself lying on my bed in Craiova, the Romanian city I’m volunteering in. Through my earphones, I listen to some anime soundtrack. The melancholic yet powerful notes isolate myself from reality. Alone in my room, I just keep playing the same song all over again, rising the volume as much as I can, until is so high that my ears are sore, in a desperate attempt not to hear the conversation my peers are having in the kitchen. I really wish that the music could become a wave and wash away from my brain the thought I’ve been having in my mind for two days.
I am born wrong.
Though I desperately try to forget it and go ahead, this is what I feel inside.
That I am somewhat defective, and that I can’t do anything to avoid it.
That, notwithstanding the fact that I always do my best, I will never be accepted but only tolerated.
I would like to hide myself under my blanket and forget about the world that keeps rejecting me.’’
I found this words inside one of my notebooks, and reading them reopens the wound that I carry somewhere in my soul.
I remember very well that evening.
I was washing the dishes in the kitchen, chatting and laughing with the other volunteers, my friends and colleagues, when suddenly the conversation fell on LGBT topics, and took extremely homophobic hues.
Some days before, my colleagues from Purple project, which was supposed to tackle topics related to fighting discrimination, dealing with bullying, racism, but also homophobia, refused to take part to their own LGBT event, showing that not only the majority of them were not friendly toward the LGBT community, but that some were openly homophobic (though they deny it, as true homophobic people always do).
This was really shocking for me, so much that one of those days I even had a sort of crisis and run away in my room in the middle of our lunch, buried myself in my bed and started crying so much that I could feel my whole body shaking and my eyes burning.
It was the same period I broke up with my boyfriend, so even if everyone noticed it, they automatically related it to that.
But that wasn’t the reason behind my tears.
And it wasn’t even because I’m very sensitive towards the topic of LGBT rights.
It was because I’m actually part of the LGBT community.
I am bisexual.
I’m used to live in the shadow.
My sexual orientation can seem complicated and most of the people don’t understand.
For me the word ‘bisexual’ is a sort of tag I have to use to make people understand, for me it just means that I can feel attracted by some people, not depending on the gender but on other characteristics.
I can fell in love with both men and women, and everything in between.
It would take a lot of time to explain further, so in this article I will just focus on my EVS experience as a member of the LGBT community.
The first thing that I found out, is that Romania in general is not a very tolerant Country, when it comes to LGBT rights.
I kind of expected that, so I was mentally prepared when I came here and I wasn’t so much surprised when an unpleasant episode of homophobia happened to a fellow volunteer.
This didn’t prevented me from appreciating the positive aspect of the Country and from enjoying my life here in Romania.
I think that the thing that really hurt me it was to discover the intolerance of the other volunteers.
When you find yourself in a different environment, and you don’t know the language and the traditions of its population, it’s quite common to rely completely on those people that are in your same situation.
In this case, the other volunteers, who will eventually become a sort of second family.
I can tackle the insults and hatred that come every single day from the outside world, because I learned to ignore those people, common folks or politicians or members of the church, and I can even stand the lack of empathy that I found inside the LGBT community itself (that tends to marginalize bisexual and trans people), but is very hard to defend myself against the intolerance of people I love.
The LGBT event was, for me, the most negative thing that happened during this EVS, because it showed clearly how much homophobia is spread in the world.
People who didn’t wanted to join to the event justified themselves claiming they have the right to see their believes and thoughts respected, because that is how democracy works.
I always respect everyone’s choices and thoughts, I just accept others as they are, and won’t even try to make them change their minds if they’re not willing to, and in Italy I have a lot of friends who are openly intolerant.
But I live in the shadow.
Because the voices of typical, heterosexual people, are so strong and high and powerful in claiming their rights and defending their privileges that they completely cover my own, as it happened that cold evening of March.
I felt overwhelmed and powerless, and I could only go to my bedroom and cry and try not to listen to all the things they were saying. I remember clearly that one of the volunteers discussed about the fact that LGBT people should not kiss in the streets, because is disgusting, and he even didn’t do it with her girlfriend in the first place.
Actually, in the first place I don’t understand why seeing someone kissing or hugging or holding hand in the streets, being them hetero or LGBT, should bother me.
We are bombarded everyday with images of war, corpses of children, blood, terroristic attacks and so on, and we’re not so bothered by them.
The thing that really disgust me, is that nowadays love causes more scandal than hate.
It’s right to defend one’s own right to expression, but the problem is that your right is causing harm to me, damaging my own right to have a decent life.
After the event, I had to stand a lot of hard situations, such as people making stupid jokes about LGBT community or having those kind of discussions, openly mocking and showing a deep lack of respect, and a strong opposition.
It’s hard, when someone you love and respect shows this kind of hatred towards you and your being different.
I’ve born like this, is not my choice.
And I’m not born wrong, or defective.
I’ve just born different.
But I was lucky, as well, during this EVS.
Because I found some very special people who reminded me how awesome I am (their words, eh !) and that I must always be proud of myself, for what I am.
And I think I am what I am because of a lot of things, good and bad, but definitely not because of my sexual orientation. I mean, is not even like being vegan or vegetarian (that is a choice, and a very good one), is more like having a preference for chocolate instead of vanilla flavor.
It was thanks to those people that I managed to go on and enjoy my EVS experience, because at a certain point I just wanted to quit and come back to my Country, a place in which I have a family who accepted me when I made my coming out with them.
I remember I was angry with everyone, even with the hosting association (that of course has nothing to do with it), even with the whole Romania, even with the whole planet Earth.
Some very special volunteers and friends encouraged and supported me, they made me feel fully accepted and they strongly reprimanded me when I said ‘I’m born wrong’.
My super mentor offered me all her help and listened patiently to me when I needed to express my frustration for this situation, making me calm down and comforting me.
Even my ‘crybabies’ group in Mid-Term, with who I shared all this, receiving the best advice I could get, and that I’ll never forget.
They gave me strength with their unconditional love.
This is very important to me, because is thanks to that love if I was able to take all that anger and transform it into tolerance and acceptance.
Writing this article, I completely opened up my heart, and still I managed to keep it as short as possible.
I know it’s very strong and personal, as well as I know that exposing myself so much could put me in danger.
Maybe I will lose some friends.
Maybe things will become even more difficult for me.
Or maybe not, maybe people will eventually pay more attention to my feelings, when speaking about LGBT community.
Maybe, since I’m someone they know, a real person and not an abstract, random LGBT stereotype, they will start little by little to be more open minded.
Eventually, maybe, even to accept me.
And, after having accepted me, they will start to accept also the LGBT community itself.
But this will never be possible if I’ll keep living in the shadows, in silence.
It’s time to raise my voice, for me and for the other volunteers who will find themselves in the same situation in the future.
Be strong, be proud, be fabulous !
Be the first to be tolerant and open minded, because discrimination can’t be fight with other discrimination.
No matter what, enjoy your EVS as much as you can.
It is a precious experience, and no one has the right to make you feel bad during it.
And, above all, remember that you’re not alone.
Never.
